The Narcissistic Parent in Action!

Mental Health Awareness Month

May 2017

Good Afternoon Blog Readers, Followers, and Visitors to our Blog!  You're stepping right into our discussion about Narcissistic Parents.  We had been discussing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in a few of our previous Blog Sessions, and we listed the 16 Signs of a Narcissist.  If you missed the Blog Session, or any other Blog Sessions, you may click on the link of your choice in the far right column of this Blog.  Look for "Blog Archive" immediately below the gorgeous faces of the Circle of Followers to this Blog.

As promised in our last Blog Session, we are now moving on with our discussion about Narcissistic Parents.  If you were here for our last discussion on the Blog, you have your Journal ready to continue taking notes.  We have covered the first five Signs to find out if you have a Narcissistic Parent.  While many people are aware of the signs that their parent(s) may exhibit, they may not be aware that their parent is a "Narcissist".  One or both parents could possibly be narcissistic.  Here is your opportunity to see where your parents stand as we continue with the list of the ten telltale signs of a Narcissistic Parent.

Remember this important point...

Narcissists always make you feel trapped.

We have already covered the first five telltale signs of a Narcissistic Parent in our last Blog Session, and now for numbers 6 - 10 . . .

6.  Inflexible and Touchy

Certain narcissistic parents are highly rigid when it comes to the expected behaviors of their children (as well as Adult children).  They regulate their offspring on minor details, and can become upset when there’s deviation.  Some narcissistic parents are also touchy and easily triggered.  Reasons for irritation towards an offspring can vary greatly, from the child’s lack of attention and obedience, to perceived faults and shortcomings, to being in the presence of the parent at the wrong time, et cetera.

One reason for the parent’s inflexibility and touchiness is the desire to control the child.  The narcissist responds negatively and disproportionately when she or he sees that the offspring will not always be pulled by the strings.

“I hate it when you put groceries on the checkout counter that way.  I told you before I HATE it!” ― Mother to daughter at supermarket

7.  Lack of Empathy

One of the most common manifestations of a narcissistic father or mother is the inability to be mindful of the child’s own thoughts and feelings, and validate them as real and important.  Only what the parent thinks and feels matters.

Children under this type of parental influence over time may respond with one of three survival instincts:  They may Fight back and stand-up for themselves.  They may take Flight and distance themselves from their parent(s).  Some may begin to Freeze and substitute their invalidated real self with a false persona (playing a role), thus adopting traits of narcissism themselves.

“I'm in the hospital, and just got into an accident and crashed up the car." ― Son to the Father

"I'm at work, and don't have time to talk right now.  How soon will you get in, and where is the car?"  ― Father to the son 

8.  Dependency/Codependency

Some narcissistic parents expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives.  This type of dependency can be emotional, physical, and/or financial.  While there’s nothing inherently wrong with taking care of older parents – it’s an admirable trait – the narcissistic parent typically manipulates an offspring into making unreasonable sacrifices, with little regard for the offspring’s own priorities and needs.

“My mom (a single parent in her late 30’s) expects me to support her financially on an on-going basis. She says that she can’t live without me.” ― Anonymous college student

Some narcissistic parents may also maneuver their adult children into co-dependency.  Psychology professor Shawn Burn defines a codependent relationship as one where “one person’s help supports (or enables) the other person’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor physical health."

9.  Jealousy & Possessiveness

Since a narcissistic mother or father often hopes that the child will permanently dwell under the parent’s influence, she or he may become extremely jealous at any signs of the child’s growing maturity and independence.  Any perceived act of individuation and separation, from choosing one’s own academic and career path, to making friends not approved by the parent, to spending time on one’s own priorities, are interpreted negatively and personally (“Why are you doing this to ME?”).

In particular, the appearance of a romantic partner in the adult offspring’s life may be viewed as a major threat, and frequently responded to with rejection, criticism, and/or competition.  In the eyes of some narcissistic parents, no romantic partner is ever good enough for their offspring, and no interloper can ever challenge them for dominance of their child.

In some extreme cases, the mother will compete with the daughter to get the attention of the daughter's male friends.  And the same holds true for the Father - son relationship, wherein the father will compete with the son to get the attention of the son's female friends.

Another example would be the mother putting the son's female friends down, and trying to run them off.  As well as the father putting the daughter's male friends down, and running them away.

“How dare that woman take my son away from me. Who does she think she is?” ― Anonymous

10.  Neglect

In some situations, a narcissistic parent may choose to focus primarily on her or his self-absorbing interests, which to the narcissist are more exciting than child-raising.  These activities may provide the narcissist the stimulation, validation, and self-importance she or he craves, be it career obsession, social flamboyance, or personal adventures and hobbies.  The child is left either to the other parent, or on his or her own.  

“My husband’s an absent father.  He’s always off doing something fun for himself, which he prefers to spending time with our child.  He’s an extremely selfish person.” ― Anonymous

A scene from the household with a Narcissistic Parent

If you have your Journal handy, please make notes for future reference.  If you happen to be a daily Diary user, these notes may come in handy to explain some of the feelings that you may have expressed within the pages of your Diary about deep-seated resentment or anger that you can't seem to get to the root of.  Could the above scene be familiar to you?

Please take this time to take Notes about

the Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Use this Blog as a reference point to come back to.

BOOKMARK US:  http://reneallen-author.blogspot.com/

Be sure to make a note of these points:

A narcissist doesn’t care about you, they only care about themselves and will deliberately make you feel bad about yourself.

There are no exceptions.  Narcissists cannot tolerate others feeling good—they only feel good when you feel bad.

They make disturbing threats and scare you to death because it makes them feel powerful and in control.  Your problems aren’t important—you’re just a landfill for them to dump their problems.

They even like it: it makes them feel good to hurt you.  And they won’t stop until you’re a dried husk crawling on the floor.  They have very sadistic tendencies.

Narcissists, a/k/a "Bullies" feel better when they are insulting, hurtful, critical, condemnatory, judgmental, censorious, deprecating, and have made you feel bad, while uplifting themselves at your expense.

In your Notepad or Diary, be sure to express your thoughts for today.

The main question for you today is this:  Are you involved with a Narcissist?

The 2nd Question for you today is:  Do you have Narcissistic tendencies?

ABOUT THE NARCISSIST

Narcissist Experience Notes

PLEASE NOTE IN YOUR DIARY FOR THE FUTURE:

You may be wondering if only intimate relationships, or parental relationships apply when it comes to Narcissists. The truth is narcissists can be anyone.

Treasure your Children

~ Dealing with a Narcissistic Partner who will not co-parent ~

Hopefully this Blog Session gave you  a lot of good information about Narcissistic Parents.  You may leave your thoughts, questions and any comments in the "Comments Section" of this Blog.

We have a lot more to discuss in our next Blog Session about mental health ~ your mental health and the mental health of those in your life.  Be sure to join us back here for the next enlightening Blog Session!

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

©Copyright - René Allen - MAY 2017 - All Rights Reserved

Mental Health Awareness Month

May 2017

Welcome back Blog Readers, Followers, and Visitors!

We have been discussing Narcissists and NPD ~ Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Today we are going to turn our attention to Narcissistic Parents.

You'll need to get your Journal out to take notes, and if you have been keeping a Diary, you may want to pull that out as well.  If you are new to the Blog, be sure to Bookmark the Blog now, and sign up to follow by Email.  You'll see the space where you can insert your Email address so that you will not miss any of the Blog Discussions ... just look over in the far right column where it says, "Follow by Email", then insert your email address, and click "Submit".  If you are a Google+ User, you are welcome to add me to your Circle.

The first thing we all need to do is to read the header to today's Blog Session, which reads . . .

"Narcissists will destroy your life

and erode your self-esteem

and do it with

such stealth

as to make you feel

as YOU are the one that's

letting them down."

With the above phrase in mind about the Narcissist, you will have an idea of what a person who has a Narcissistic parent may feel like.

A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.  Typically narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and may be especially envious of, and threatened by, their child's growing independence.

  

A narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through, is possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with the offspring.  Typically, the narcissistic parent perceives the independence of a child (including adult children) as a threat, and coerces the offspring to exist in the parent's shadow, with unreasonable expectations.  In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is rarely loved just for being herself or himself.  

Many parents want to show off their children, have high expectations, may be firm at times (such as when a child is behaving destructively), and desire their offspring to make them proud.  None of these traits alone constitute pathological narcissism.  What distinguishes the narcissistic parent is a pervasive tendency to deny the offspring, even as an adult, a sense of independent self-hood.  The offspring exists merely to serve the selfish needs and machinations of the parent(s).

How do you know when a parent may be narcissistic?

While some parents may exhibit a few of the following traits at one time or another, which might not be a major issue, a pathologically narcissistic parent tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how these behaviors affect one’s offspring.

The following are five of the ten telltale signs . . .

1.  Uses/Lives Through One’s Child 

Most parents want their children to succeed.  Some narcissistic parents, however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams.  Instead of raising a child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued, the offspring becomes a mere extension of the parent’s personal wishes, with the child’s individuality diminished.

“My mom used to love dolling me up in cute dresses, even though I was a tomboy by nature.  I think she felt that when I received compliments for my appearance, she looked good in reflection. It boosted her self-worth.”  ― Anonymous

“You have opportunities I’ve never had… After you become a doctor you can do as you please.  Until then you do as I say!”  ― Father to son in “Dead Poets Society”

2.  Marginalization

Some narcissistic parents are threatened by their offspring’s potential, promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem.  Consequently, a narcissistic mother or father might make a concerted effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior.  Examples of this type of competitive marginalization includes nit-picking, unreasonable judgment and criticisms, unfavorable comparisons, invalidation of positive attitudes and emotions, and rejection of success and accomplishments.

The common themes through these put downs are:  “There’s always something wrong with you,” and “You’ll never be good enough.”  By lowering the offspring’s confidence, the narcissistic parent gets to boost her or his own insecure self-worth.

“I pleaded with my mother on the phone for the lab fee of my college science class.  She finally agreed to pay, but only after saying that it was a waste of money on me.” ― Anonymous

3.  Grandiosity & Superiority

Many narcissistic parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about who they are and what they do.  Often, individuals around the narcissist are not treated as human beings, but merely tools (objects) to be used for personal gain.  Some children of narcissistic parents are objectified in the same manner, while others are taught to possess the same, forged superiority complex:  “We’re better than they are.”  This sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on superficial, egotistical, and material trappings, attained at the expense of one’s humanity, conscientiousness, and relatedness.  One becomes more “superior” by being less human.

4.  Superficial Image

Closely related to grandiosity, many narcissistic parents love to show others how “special” they are.  They enjoy publically parading what they consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring. They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.

For some narcissistic parents, social networking is a wonderland where they regularly advertise how wonderful and envy-worthy their lives are.  The underlying messages may be:  “I am/my life is so special and interesting,” and “Look at ME – I have what you don’t have!”

“What my mother displays in public and how she really is are very different.” ― Anonymous 

5.  Manipulation

Common examples of narcissistic parenting manipulation include:

Guilt trip:  “I’ve done everything for you and you’re so ungrateful.”

Blaming:  “It’s your fault that I’m not happy.”

Shaming:  “Your poor performance is an embarrassment to the family.”

Negative comparison:  “Why can’t you be as good as your brother?”

Unreasonable pressure:  “You WILL perform at your best to make me proud.”

Manipulative reward and punishment:  “If you don’t pursue the college major I chose for you, I will cut off my support.”

Emotional coercion:  “You’re not a good daughter/son unless you measure up to my expectations.”

A common theme running through these forms of manipulation is that love is given as a conditional reward, rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting.  On the other hand, the withholding of love is used as threat and punishment.

A Note from the child (or Adult)

to the Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic Parents leave a wake of destruction in the lives of their children.  The damage is in some cases extreme in nature, depending on how successful the children were able to escape from the narcissistic parent(s).  Many children of narcissistic parents move as far away as possible thinking that they will escape from the clutches of the parent(s).  However, their reach is like the web of a spider.  Narcissistic parents will work through others to continue their destructive damage in their children's lives -- be they young adults or Adults.

Narcissistic Parents typically use the same tactics, . . .

"Poor me, look at how my children treat me.  They don't even call or come to see me.";

"My children are so ungrateful.  After all I have done for them, look at how they treat me."; and/or

"My children have such messed up lives, and I have no idea of how they turned out that way considering how I raised them to be better than how they turned out."

While you take a moment to take notes about Narcissistic Parents, please take time to think about whether or not you had Narcissistic Parents.  Do you know of anyone who has a parent like the type we are describing?  Do you have friends who had parents who would be in contact with you to bad-mouth your friend?  Do you have friends whose parents always seem to be involved in your friend's life even as an adult -- but in a negative way?  Do you know of anyone who is embarrassed by their parent's presence or seems very uncomfortable in the presence of their parent?

Narcissistic Parents always have unhealthy connections to their children.  Even moreso in adulthood, as the damage they cause leads to resentment.

Don't be fooled, be AWARE.

We'll be back with the next five telltale signs of a Narcissistic Parent . . . 

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

©Copyright - René Allen - MAY 2017 - All Rights Reserved