Mental Health Awareness Month

May 2017

Welcome back Blog Readers, Followers, and Visitors!

We have been discussing Narcissists and NPD ~ Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Today we are going to turn our attention to Narcissistic Parents.

You'll need to get your Journal out to take notes, and if you have been keeping a Diary, you may want to pull that out as well.  If you are new to the Blog, be sure to Bookmark the Blog now, and sign up to follow by Email.  You'll see the space where you can insert your Email address so that you will not miss any of the Blog Discussions ... just look over in the far right column where it says, "Follow by Email", then insert your email address, and click "Submit".  If you are a Google+ User, you are welcome to add me to your Circle.

The first thing we all need to do is to read the header to today's Blog Session, which reads . . .

"Narcissists will destroy your life

and erode your self-esteem

and do it with

such stealth

as to make you feel

as YOU are the one that's

letting them down."

With the above phrase in mind about the Narcissist, you will have an idea of what a person who has a Narcissistic parent may feel like.

A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.  Typically narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and may be especially envious of, and threatened by, their child's growing independence.

  

A narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through, is possessive of, and/or engages in marginalizing competition with the offspring.  Typically, the narcissistic parent perceives the independence of a child (including adult children) as a threat, and coerces the offspring to exist in the parent's shadow, with unreasonable expectations.  In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is rarely loved just for being herself or himself.  

Many parents want to show off their children, have high expectations, may be firm at times (such as when a child is behaving destructively), and desire their offspring to make them proud.  None of these traits alone constitute pathological narcissism.  What distinguishes the narcissistic parent is a pervasive tendency to deny the offspring, even as an adult, a sense of independent self-hood.  The offspring exists merely to serve the selfish needs and machinations of the parent(s).

How do you know when a parent may be narcissistic?

While some parents may exhibit a few of the following traits at one time or another, which might not be a major issue, a pathologically narcissistic parent tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how these behaviors affect one’s offspring.

The following are five of the ten telltale signs . . .

1.  Uses/Lives Through One’s Child 

Most parents want their children to succeed.  Some narcissistic parents, however, set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams.  Instead of raising a child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued, the offspring becomes a mere extension of the parent’s personal wishes, with the child’s individuality diminished.

“My mom used to love dolling me up in cute dresses, even though I was a tomboy by nature.  I think she felt that when I received compliments for my appearance, she looked good in reflection. It boosted her self-worth.”  ― Anonymous

“You have opportunities I’ve never had… After you become a doctor you can do as you please.  Until then you do as I say!”  ― Father to son in “Dead Poets Society”

2.  Marginalization

Some narcissistic parents are threatened by their offspring’s potential, promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem.  Consequently, a narcissistic mother or father might make a concerted effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior.  Examples of this type of competitive marginalization includes nit-picking, unreasonable judgment and criticisms, unfavorable comparisons, invalidation of positive attitudes and emotions, and rejection of success and accomplishments.

The common themes through these put downs are:  “There’s always something wrong with you,” and “You’ll never be good enough.”  By lowering the offspring’s confidence, the narcissistic parent gets to boost her or his own insecure self-worth.

“I pleaded with my mother on the phone for the lab fee of my college science class.  She finally agreed to pay, but only after saying that it was a waste of money on me.” ― Anonymous

3.  Grandiosity & Superiority

Many narcissistic parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about who they are and what they do.  Often, individuals around the narcissist are not treated as human beings, but merely tools (objects) to be used for personal gain.  Some children of narcissistic parents are objectified in the same manner, while others are taught to possess the same, forged superiority complex:  “We’re better than they are.”  This sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on superficial, egotistical, and material trappings, attained at the expense of one’s humanity, conscientiousness, and relatedness.  One becomes more “superior” by being less human.

4.  Superficial Image

Closely related to grandiosity, many narcissistic parents love to show others how “special” they are.  They enjoy publically parading what they consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring. They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.

For some narcissistic parents, social networking is a wonderland where they regularly advertise how wonderful and envy-worthy their lives are.  The underlying messages may be:  “I am/my life is so special and interesting,” and “Look at ME – I have what you don’t have!”

“What my mother displays in public and how she really is are very different.” ― Anonymous 

5.  Manipulation

Common examples of narcissistic parenting manipulation include:

Guilt trip:  “I’ve done everything for you and you’re so ungrateful.”

Blaming:  “It’s your fault that I’m not happy.”

Shaming:  “Your poor performance is an embarrassment to the family.”

Negative comparison:  “Why can’t you be as good as your brother?”

Unreasonable pressure:  “You WILL perform at your best to make me proud.”

Manipulative reward and punishment:  “If you don’t pursue the college major I chose for you, I will cut off my support.”

Emotional coercion:  “You’re not a good daughter/son unless you measure up to my expectations.”

A common theme running through these forms of manipulation is that love is given as a conditional reward, rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting.  On the other hand, the withholding of love is used as threat and punishment.

A Note from the child (or Adult)

to the Narcissistic Mother

Narcissistic Parents leave a wake of destruction in the lives of their children.  The damage is in some cases extreme in nature, depending on how successful the children were able to escape from the narcissistic parent(s).  Many children of narcissistic parents move as far away as possible thinking that they will escape from the clutches of the parent(s).  However, their reach is like the web of a spider.  Narcissistic parents will work through others to continue their destructive damage in their children's lives -- be they young adults or Adults.

Narcissistic Parents typically use the same tactics, . . .

"Poor me, look at how my children treat me.  They don't even call or come to see me.";

"My children are so ungrateful.  After all I have done for them, look at how they treat me."; and/or

"My children have such messed up lives, and I have no idea of how they turned out that way considering how I raised them to be better than how they turned out."

While you take a moment to take notes about Narcissistic Parents, please take time to think about whether or not you had Narcissistic Parents.  Do you know of anyone who has a parent like the type we are describing?  Do you have friends who had parents who would be in contact with you to bad-mouth your friend?  Do you have friends whose parents always seem to be involved in your friend's life even as an adult -- but in a negative way?  Do you know of anyone who is embarrassed by their parent's presence or seems very uncomfortable in the presence of their parent?

Narcissistic Parents always have unhealthy connections to their children.  Even moreso in adulthood, as the damage they cause leads to resentment.

Don't be fooled, be AWARE.

We'll be back with the next five telltale signs of a Narcissistic Parent . . . 

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

©Copyright - René Allen - MAY 2017 - All Rights Reserved