Dealing with Emotional Pain

Blog Session

June 2017

We are going to discuss a tough topic today.  It is the topic of Emotional Pain.  Everyone knows of it, many have felt it personally, and most of us have had to deal with it in one way or another.

What is emotional pain?

Psychological pain or mental pain is an unpleasant feeling (a suffering) of a psychological, non-physical, origin.  A pioneer in the field of suicidology, Edwin S. Shneidman, described it as "how much you hurt as a human being.  It is mental suffering; mental torment."

Emotional Pain has no particular name on it.  It hits men, women, young adults, babies, and even animals.

Emotional Pain in babies

Emotional Pain in Young Adults

Emotional Pain in Animals

Everyone has different sensitivities.  The same incident can affect a large number of people, and each person will handle it differently.

People who lose people close to them through death may go through emotional pain.  The emotional pain can include grief, sadness, depression, and crying spells.  Depending upon the loss, it can also be stressful -- i.e., the loss of a spouse, a parent, or the loss of a child.

Emotional Pain can also lead to the blame game.  Wherein a person will blame others for their emotional pain.

For instance, a parent dies, and the brother or sister is blamed for not taking care of them properly, or the doctor is blamed because the parent died under their care.

To justify blame, we tend to magnify pain.  Attributing blame then stimulates anger to punish the perceived offender. Biologically, the association of pain/vulnerability with anger is almost irresistible; anger has survival-based analgesic and amphetamine effects - it temporarily numbs pain and provides a surge of energy and confidence to ward off the perceived threat.  But each repetition of this process reinforces perceived damage and vulnerability by making defense seem more necessary.

Over time, the blame-anger response congeals into chronic resentment, which is a generalized, automatic defensive system geared to protect an ego made fragile by the perceived need of protection.  To the resentful, painful emotions are not motivations to heal and improve but punishments inflicted by an unfair world.  They try to control what other people think by devaluing or coercing them, thereby reinforcing the vulnerability they seek to avoid.

There are things in life that we cannot control no matter how we may want to.  A devastating fire, a car accident, certain unforeseen injuries, loss of a job by way of lay-off or shut-down of a facility, and other uncontrollable situations are out of our hands.

The Illusion of Control
Consider how little control we have over the things that most profoundly influence our lives.  How many of us got to choose our parents, brothers or sisters, or other family members?  Did we decide the illnesses, accidents, medications, and substance use of our mothers during pregnancy?  Who decided where and when they were born, how much money their families would have, what early childhood sickness or accidents they would experience, which schools they would go to and what kind of teachers and friends they would find there?  Who chose whether other children would like or bully them, support or antagonize them, respect or humiliate them?

Controlling the Meaning of Your Life
You cannot control most of the major influences on your life, but you have absolute control over what they mean to you.  If you control the meaning of events in your life by creating as much value as you can, you will have a sense of purpose and personal power.  If you control it by devaluing yourself or others, you create a chronic sense of powerlessness, which is in turn characterized by roller-coaster rides of adrenalin-driven resentment that crash into depressed moods.

Do you really think that you can hide your emotional pain?

Emotional Pain

Like all other emotions, emotional pain has an effect on the people around you.  If you are in emotional pain, you are not your normal upbeat self.  No one likes being around a person who is depressed, sad, unhappy, or somber for long periods of time.  Of course, those who have empathy or compassion will care about how you feel, and may try to help you to feel better or help you to get control of your emotions.  In some cases, the people around you will try to lead you to professional help.

Another problem that is sometimes created by going through emotional pain is addiction.  Addictions to alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy avenues is a direction that is not healthy, but will sometimes be the path that some people will trod.  Is this wise ~ No.

How can you help yourself through emotional pain?

Rather than focus on the possible causes of your pain and vulnerability, try to sort out what each hurtful incident means to you and what you can do to heal and improve.  But in order to do this important assessment, you must do so with self-compassion, not self-criticism.

Time for your Journal Writing Exercise . . .

Journal Writing Exercise

If you are going through emotional pain, first list your problem.  For example:  Your spouse or significant other cheated on you.

Then write down your feelings about the problem: i.e.,  I feel alone, isolated, and betrayed.

What does the problem mean to you?  How can you help yourself to heal?

For Example:  I can recognize that I have the strength, resilience, and value to heal this hurt over time.  I will stay true to my deepest values, focus on creating more value in my life, reach out to friends and other loved ones, recognize human frailty in my spouse and in myself, and I will evaluate my options for a better future.

Please Note:  Preoccupation with the causes of emotional pain tends to push us deeper into pain and bitterness; interpreting its meaning reveals motivation to heal and improve and moves us toward a brighter future.

Expression of negative emotions leads to exhaustion 
Expressing negative emotions, without changing the meaning you give them, merely exercises them.  Exercise sometimes produces exhaustion, but exhaustion never equals resolution or healing.  Worse, expressing emotions repeatedly habituates them.  "Crying the same blues over and over" creates more than monotony.  It causes habitual sequences of neural firing that lead to repetitive, seemingly automatic behavior, such as having the same fight with your loved one over and over.

If you find that you repeatedly make the same mistake or the same kinds of mistakes, you probably express negative emotions (or stuff them) without altering the meaning you give them, i.e., without focus on healing and improving.

Some people are fortunate enough to resist the preoccupation with blame that characterizes the age of entitlement.  But even for those lucky few, the search for causes of emotional pain has little chance of alleviating it.  The causes of distressed conditions, which are usually complex interactions of many variables, are not often the same things that maintain them.  Focus on possible causes is more likely to make you feel damaged and vulnerable than lead to corrective or beneficial action.

Knowing how you got into a hole won't do much to get you out of it, but it can help you avoid holes in the future.  Casual analysis is easier and more efficient.  Journaling is very helpful, and you will find that it will help you with healing and improving.  You'll be able to find mental resources within yourself that are available to accurately assess the causes and devise strategies for your future well being.  You'll be very surprised at the discoveries you will make by Journaling daily.  Get out of your hole first, and consider how to avoid another one later.

To understand your emotional pain, you have to ask the question HOW can I improve and heal?  Not why did this happen to me?

For your Journal:

What can I do to improve and heal my emotional pain?  How can I go about improving and healing my condition?  What steps can I take to feel better?

Here are some suggested steps you can take . . .

• Remember:
• Emotional pain can make it impossible to enjoy life and can manifest as physical disease and pain, which you do not want in your life.
• Letting go of rejection, avoiding rumination and learning from your failures can help you to heal your emotional pain.
• Keeping guilt from festering and using self affirmations to boost your self-esteem are other keys to greater emotional well-being.

We'll be back with much more!

~ See you in our next Blog Session Friends ~

Leave your emotional pain in your Journal,

and walk away with steps for improvement & healing. . . .

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

© Copyright - René Allen - JUNE 2017 - All Rights Reserved

BLOG SESSION

June 2017

Good Afternoon Blog Readers, Followers & Visitors ~ You have just stepped into our next Blog Session where we are asking you to get your Journals out, your ink pen, and get ready to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Today we are doing a quick review of a subject matter that we had discussed previously in one of our other Blog Sessions.  It is called, "empathy" . . .

em·pa·thy ~ /ˈempəTHē/

Empathy is the ability to understand

and share the feelings of another.

How often do you honestly use empathy in your day to day life?

In our last Blog Session we discussed OCPD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, and hypersensitivity. We also talked about how those with OCPD have the capacity to experience great emotional depth because of their hypersensitivity.

What everyone needs to jot down in their Journals is this...

"People with OCPD have a natural gift for empathy."

Where does hypersensitivity come into the picture?

As we discussed in our last Blog Session, people with OCPD have the capacity to experience great emotional depth because of their hypersensitivity.  They are able to feel emotions that most of the world will never be able to feel or understand. People with emotional sensitivity also have a heightened sense of the emotions of others.  People with OCPD have the ability to see right through surface level communication.  In an instant, people with OCPD can assess the body language and tone of voice of others and figure out the true emotions behind all the masks that people put on. Some people with extreme emotional sensitivity, possess a near-psychic ability to sense even the history of emotions, hurts, and pains of others.  And, there are some people who can even sense the pain and suffering of a collective group of people.  Those with OCPD have all the right tools to enrich the lives of others through empathy.

Why then are there so many people with OCPD who do not practice their natural gift for empathy?  The answer is anxiety.

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.  Anxiety is akin to fear.

If you are a person with OCPD, in order to redeem your natural gift for empathy, you'll need to face your fear of negative emotions.  This fear cannot be faced, however, if you continue to make use of the very things that prevent you from experiencing your emotions.   Therefore, you must resist the urge to use your defense mechanisms.

When negative emotions are no longer things that need to be feared and avoided, people with OCPD can then begin to feel the negative emotions of others.  It is nothing to be afraid of, nor is this ability to be feared.  What happens is that you as a person with OCPD, will be able to empathize with those who need your support.  Empathy is a "gift" to be shared.

"Empathy is a "gift" to be shared."

Putting yourself in another person's shoes is what we are talking about here today.  That is what empathy is all about. It is about learning to get out of your shoes for a minute, and put on the shoes of someone in need of help with emotional pain, negative emotions, bad feelings, depression, problems, issues, and in some cases dire circumstances.  If you are able to feel the emotions of others, then you are able to empathize with them.  This is not for the faint of heart.

You'll need to inspire yourself.  Lift yourself up mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Once you equip yourself, you will be better able to assist others.  You will be able to truly empathize with another person and help them through their pain.

Many people are hurting on a daily basis, and you may not be aware of what they are going through if you choose to ignore your gift of "empathy".  Just walking past someone instead of stopping to say a kind word to them is how cold, callus, and uncaring people lose touch with their empathic side.  A smile can go a long way.

Asking someone how they are doing, and really being sincere about the question is something that is rare these days. Kindness has gone by the way-side.  And we need to do something about it.

Learn how to care . . .

Empathize

Listen

As we sign out for today's Blog Session, I'll leave you with this thought for the next person you come in contact with who may need your support . . .

"...get ready to put yourself in someone else's shoes."

Have a blessed day until we meet here again Friends ~

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

© Copyright - René Allen - JUNE 2017 - All Rights Reserved

MAY 2017:  Mental Health Awareness Month

Good Evening Blog Readers & Followers ~  We have been discussing the serious issue of Mental Health this month, and we will continue doing so for the rest of the month.

Tonight we will be shifting gears to discuss "pain".  There are various types of pain as we all know.  There is physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain, spiritual pain, and mental pain.

Pain is a sensory experience that is highly subjective to the individual. Amplified pain syndrome is characterized as an individual's response to a seemingly mild sensory experience and processes it as an intense pain signal.

To go a bit further, Amplified musculoskeletal pain syndromes are pain syndromes where excessive, acute and chronic pain are observed for which no overt primary cause can be found or surmised.

Below is a chart from a Fibromyal Lecture in 2010:

Pain is a distressing feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli, such as stubbing a toe, burning a finger, putting alcohol on a cut, or bumping the "funny bone". Because it is a complex, subjective phenomenon, defining pain has been a challenge.  The International Association for the Study of Pain's widely used definition states: "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, or described in terms of such damage."  In medical diagnosis, pain is regarded as a symptom of an underlying condition.

PAIN - points

Let us look at the following definitions of pain . . .

1.

physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc.

2.

a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body:

a back pain.

3.

mental or emotional suffering or torment

NOTE:  Psychological pain or mental pain is an unpleasant feeling (a suffering) of a psychological, non-physical origin.  A pioneer in the field of suicidology, Edwin S. Shneidman, described it as "how much you hurt as a human being.  It is mental suffering; mental torment."

The pain of mental suffering-mental torment

In palliative care, understanding and managing emotional or spiritual pain is as important as managing physical pain.  We know from speaking to people living with a terminal illness, and their families and friends, that emotional or spiritual pain is common regardless of religion, beliefs or culture.

There are also cultural overlays of how to express pain, to whom, and when.  “Physical” pain associated with particular areas of the body may be a culturally accepted way of expressing stress that everyone recognizes and addresses without having to confront difficult social issues directly.

Defining Spiritual Pain and Distress

It is to be expected that “spiritual” pain is just as elusive and difficult to quantify, although researchers are attempting to do so (Mako et al 2006).  Spiritual pain is described in NANDA (1994:49) as the “disruption in the principle which pervades a person’s entire being and which integrates and transcends one’s biological and psychosocial nature.”

Anandarajah and Hight (2001) note that "spiritual distress and spiritual crisis" occur when a person is "unable to find sources of meaning, hope, love, peace, comfort, strength, and connection in life or when conflict occurs between their beliefs and what is happening in their life.  Sources list multiple defining characteristics of spiritual distress that may cause or indicate the presence of spiritual pain.  Stoll (1989) and Pehler (1997) list similar defining characteristics, although Pehler also includes characteristics from several other studies.  For both, the major characteristic was an expression of concern with the meaning of life/death or any belief system.

The lists included, but were not limited to anger toward God, questioning the meaning of suffering or the meaning of one's own existence, verbal comments regarding an inner conflict about beliefs or about one's relationship with a deity, an inability to participate in one's usual religious practices, and more.

Spiritual Pain ~ Spiritual Distress

There are many levels of pain that can be discussed as it relates to mental health.  What we will do is go into various aspects of the topic of "pain" in relation to mental health in our next Blog Session.

One important area that we will focus on in our next Blog Session as it relates to our mental health is:  Loss, Grief, and Bereavement.

Until we meet again, please remember to make notes in your Journals, Diaries and Notebooks on the areas that we have covered today.  In addition, do not forget to Journal your feelings, thoughts, emotions, questions and activities for today.

FOR NOW . . .

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

©Copyright - René Allen - MAY 2017 - All Rights Reserved