Dealing with Emotional Pain

Blog Session

June 2017

We are going to discuss a tough topic today.  It is the topic of Emotional Pain.  Everyone knows of it, many have felt it personally, and most of us have had to deal with it in one way or another.

What is emotional pain?

Psychological pain or mental pain is an unpleasant feeling (a suffering) of a psychological, non-physical, origin.  A pioneer in the field of suicidology, Edwin S. Shneidman, described it as "how much you hurt as a human being.  It is mental suffering; mental torment."

Emotional Pain has no particular name on it.  It hits men, women, young adults, babies, and even animals.

Emotional Pain in babies

Emotional Pain in Young Adults

Emotional Pain in Animals

Everyone has different sensitivities.  The same incident can affect a large number of people, and each person will handle it differently.

People who lose people close to them through death may go through emotional pain.  The emotional pain can include grief, sadness, depression, and crying spells.  Depending upon the loss, it can also be stressful -- i.e., the loss of a spouse, a parent, or the loss of a child.

Emotional Pain can also lead to the blame game.  Wherein a person will blame others for their emotional pain.

For instance, a parent dies, and the brother or sister is blamed for not taking care of them properly, or the doctor is blamed because the parent died under their care.

To justify blame, we tend to magnify pain.  Attributing blame then stimulates anger to punish the perceived offender. Biologically, the association of pain/vulnerability with anger is almost irresistible; anger has survival-based analgesic and amphetamine effects - it temporarily numbs pain and provides a surge of energy and confidence to ward off the perceived threat.  But each repetition of this process reinforces perceived damage and vulnerability by making defense seem more necessary.

Over time, the blame-anger response congeals into chronic resentment, which is a generalized, automatic defensive system geared to protect an ego made fragile by the perceived need of protection.  To the resentful, painful emotions are not motivations to heal and improve but punishments inflicted by an unfair world.  They try to control what other people think by devaluing or coercing them, thereby reinforcing the vulnerability they seek to avoid.

There are things in life that we cannot control no matter how we may want to.  A devastating fire, a car accident, certain unforeseen injuries, loss of a job by way of lay-off or shut-down of a facility, and other uncontrollable situations are out of our hands.

The Illusion of Control
Consider how little control we have over the things that most profoundly influence our lives.  How many of us got to choose our parents, brothers or sisters, or other family members?  Did we decide the illnesses, accidents, medications, and substance use of our mothers during pregnancy?  Who decided where and when they were born, how much money their families would have, what early childhood sickness or accidents they would experience, which schools they would go to and what kind of teachers and friends they would find there?  Who chose whether other children would like or bully them, support or antagonize them, respect or humiliate them?

Controlling the Meaning of Your Life
You cannot control most of the major influences on your life, but you have absolute control over what they mean to you.  If you control the meaning of events in your life by creating as much value as you can, you will have a sense of purpose and personal power.  If you control it by devaluing yourself or others, you create a chronic sense of powerlessness, which is in turn characterized by roller-coaster rides of adrenalin-driven resentment that crash into depressed moods.

Do you really think that you can hide your emotional pain?

Emotional Pain

Like all other emotions, emotional pain has an effect on the people around you.  If you are in emotional pain, you are not your normal upbeat self.  No one likes being around a person who is depressed, sad, unhappy, or somber for long periods of time.  Of course, those who have empathy or compassion will care about how you feel, and may try to help you to feel better or help you to get control of your emotions.  In some cases, the people around you will try to lead you to professional help.

Another problem that is sometimes created by going through emotional pain is addiction.  Addictions to alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy avenues is a direction that is not healthy, but will sometimes be the path that some people will trod.  Is this wise ~ No.

How can you help yourself through emotional pain?

Rather than focus on the possible causes of your pain and vulnerability, try to sort out what each hurtful incident means to you and what you can do to heal and improve.  But in order to do this important assessment, you must do so with self-compassion, not self-criticism.

Time for your Journal Writing Exercise . . .

Journal Writing Exercise

If you are going through emotional pain, first list your problem.  For example:  Your spouse or significant other cheated on you.

Then write down your feelings about the problem: i.e.,  I feel alone, isolated, and betrayed.

What does the problem mean to you?  How can you help yourself to heal?

For Example:  I can recognize that I have the strength, resilience, and value to heal this hurt over time.  I will stay true to my deepest values, focus on creating more value in my life, reach out to friends and other loved ones, recognize human frailty in my spouse and in myself, and I will evaluate my options for a better future.

Please Note:  Preoccupation with the causes of emotional pain tends to push us deeper into pain and bitterness; interpreting its meaning reveals motivation to heal and improve and moves us toward a brighter future.

Expression of negative emotions leads to exhaustion 
Expressing negative emotions, without changing the meaning you give them, merely exercises them.  Exercise sometimes produces exhaustion, but exhaustion never equals resolution or healing.  Worse, expressing emotions repeatedly habituates them.  "Crying the same blues over and over" creates more than monotony.  It causes habitual sequences of neural firing that lead to repetitive, seemingly automatic behavior, such as having the same fight with your loved one over and over.

If you find that you repeatedly make the same mistake or the same kinds of mistakes, you probably express negative emotions (or stuff them) without altering the meaning you give them, i.e., without focus on healing and improving.

Some people are fortunate enough to resist the preoccupation with blame that characterizes the age of entitlement.  But even for those lucky few, the search for causes of emotional pain has little chance of alleviating it.  The causes of distressed conditions, which are usually complex interactions of many variables, are not often the same things that maintain them.  Focus on possible causes is more likely to make you feel damaged and vulnerable than lead to corrective or beneficial action.

Knowing how you got into a hole won't do much to get you out of it, but it can help you avoid holes in the future.  Casual analysis is easier and more efficient.  Journaling is very helpful, and you will find that it will help you with healing and improving.  You'll be able to find mental resources within yourself that are available to accurately assess the causes and devise strategies for your future well being.  You'll be very surprised at the discoveries you will make by Journaling daily.  Get out of your hole first, and consider how to avoid another one later.

To understand your emotional pain, you have to ask the question HOW can I improve and heal?  Not why did this happen to me?

For your Journal:

What can I do to improve and heal my emotional pain?  How can I go about improving and healing my condition?  What steps can I take to feel better?

Here are some suggested steps you can take . . .

• Remember:
• Emotional pain can make it impossible to enjoy life and can manifest as physical disease and pain, which you do not want in your life.
• Letting go of rejection, avoiding rumination and learning from your failures can help you to heal your emotional pain.
• Keeping guilt from festering and using self affirmations to boost your self-esteem are other keys to greater emotional well-being.

We'll be back with much more!

~ See you in our next Blog Session Friends ~

Leave your emotional pain in your Journal,

and walk away with steps for improvement & healing. . . .

Peace, Love & Light,

 René

© Copyright - René Allen - JUNE 2017 - All Rights Reserved